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You are here: Home / Habits Blog Posts / 13 Questions to Ask Before You Give Advice

13 Questions to Ask Before You Give Advice

December 19, 2014 By: Barb Raveling

This post may contain affiliate links. View our disclosure policy here.

Do you ever find yourself giving too much advice? I do. It’s one of those things I’ve wanted to change, but haven’t been able to.

So when I had to choose a renewing of the mind project to test out my new book, The Renewing of the Mind Project, I decided to do a “stop giving so much advice” project.

Do you ever give too much advice? I do. I wrote these questions to help me stop and think first before I give it!

I wrote the questions below to renew my mind with and they’ve really been helping.

If you struggle with giving too much advice, use these questions to renew your mind before you enter into situations where you think you’ll be tempted to give advice.

Since I have three adult kids coming home for Christmas, I’ll be using these questions a lot in the next week or two!

Advice Questions

  1. Why do you want to give this person advice?
  2. What kind of advice do you think you need to give him?
  3. Do you think this person already knows what you want to tell him?
    1. Yes: If so, why do you think he hasn’t acted on it?
    2. No: If not, how essential is it for him to have this advice on a scale of 1 to 10? (i.e. How bad will the consequences be on a scale of 1 to 10 if he doesn’t take it?)
  4. Have you ever given this person advice before? (If not, skip to #8.)
  5. How many times have you given this exact same advice?
  6. How did he respond to your advice the last time you gave it?
  7. How do you think he’ll respond this time, and why do you think he’ll respond that way?
  8. Do you think this person needs advice or something else? If something else, what does he need?
  9. On a scale of 1 to 10 what do you think the odds are that your advice will affect his actions? Why do you feel that way?
  10. What is your best chance for influencing his behavior?
  11. Is there anything you need to accept?
  12. How do you think God want you to handle this situation?
  13. Why do you think He wants you to handle it that way?

Related Posts:

  • To Give Advice or Not Give Advice? 6 Rules to Follow
  • How to Stop Being Angry – 12 Tips
  • 10 Lies that Make Us Give Up on New Year's Resolutions
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Comments

  1. BlessingCounter - Deb Wolf says

    December 19, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Absolutely perfect Barb! I try not to give advice unless I’m asked, and I try not to ask for advice unless I really want it and trust the person I’m asking. :-)

    • Barb Raveling says

      December 19, 2014 at 1:24 pm

      I’m also trying not to give advice until I’m asked – but not always very successfully! :)

  2. Loren Pinilis says

    December 23, 2014 at 11:02 am

    These are great questions. When I’ve considered giving people advice on the fly, I may not have time to go through all of these questions. So it’s helped me to think is this advice loving, encouraging, needed, and useful?

    • Barb Raveling says

      December 23, 2014 at 12:22 pm

      Those are great considerations, Loren. Thanks for including that. I use the questions more when I’m going into a situation where I think I might be tempted to give advice. But I’ve used them often enough now that some of the questions pop into my mind right when I’m in the situation. You would probably use them more when your kids are a little older. :)

  3. Melanie Wilson says

    January 8, 2015 at 11:31 am

    I absolutely love your questions, Barb. I like to give advice, too–my former profession comes into play. I would love it if you had questions for controlling the tongue. Will your new book address that??

    • Barb Raveling says

      January 9, 2015 at 8:08 am

      You know, I’ve never thought of writing questions for that, but it would be interesting! Will have to think of it. It’s definitely a habit you could work on with the new book. For me, I’ve found that the only way I can control my tongue is to control the emotions and beliefs that are making me want to say something – so if I do the annoyance questions, I get rid of my annoyance and I don’t feel like saying anything anyway. This works better for me since I’m one of those people who often says what I’m thinking!

      • vern says

        October 3, 2016 at 4:15 am

        Barb,
        11, 12, 13
        I sometimes pray that God would send people their way who would be more effective in speaking to the people. I tell Him that I would be glad to talk directly but please speak directly to this person through a dream, vision, etc. #11 I need to accept the fact that I might not be the only person involved in that person’s life IE There were a team of people involved in the life(healing) of Naaman. #12 Our pastor says that sometimes God gives us discernment only to pray for that person. #13 Being only one of many people involved in that person’s keeps me humble. I like one person says to others. “does that resonate in your heart”. If he says yes she continues.

        • Barb Raveling says

          October 5, 2016 at 5:14 pm

          I love these answers to the questions, Vern. Thanks so much for including them. I especially like what you said that you need to accept the fact that you may not be the only person in their lives. I also need to accept the fact that they may not want me to give advice! Or may not want to take it if I give it – even worse. :) I also like how you said that being one of a team makes you humble – that’s so good. Because I sometimes believe the lie that I need to give advice, when I really don’t. There are often others that are better suited to give advice. Thanks so much for your insight.

          • vern says

            October 6, 2016 at 5:28 pm

            All my thoughts are not original. I like to read a lot. I give credit to this book. Here are excerpts or quotes from the book “Telling yourself the Truth by William Backus, and Marie Chapian. Good stuff.
            https://sites.google.com/site/postingforfriends2016/home/08-indispensablity
            aloha!!
            vern

            • Barb Raveling says

              October 6, 2016 at 6:35 pm

              Oh – I love that book! I read it years ago – I think when my husband and I were first married if it could be that old of a book. That would be almost 34 years ago. I should read it again. I thought it was amazing.

            • Barb Raveling says

              October 6, 2016 at 6:37 pm

              Yes, here’s the one I read. It came out in 1985 so I guess it was a few years after we were married. https://www.amazon.com/Telling-Yourself-William-Backus-Chapian/dp/B001F107VU/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475800529&sr=1-2&keywords=telling+yourself+the+truth+in+books

  4. Dan Black says

    January 8, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    Great list! I’ve found many people don’t want advice but someone to listen to them.

    • Barb Raveling says

      January 9, 2015 at 8:04 am

      That’s what I find. I wrote the questions to remind me of that. :)

  5. Betty Draper says

    January 14, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    I can’t say, Amen enough Barb. Yesterday I was with a group of ladies and one of them had this heavy burden on her. As she begin to share I like all the other ladies begin to form our advice. So when she finished we begin to give out…so much so she finally put her hands over her ears and cried, please no more. Weeping, she said, I’ve tried all you said…I’ve tried it…but I am drowning in this. At this point one of the ladies, just put her arms around her, we ‘ll gathered around her and prayed for her heart which was so broken. Barbara, this is great post, I just copied it and am going to share with both my bible study groups. Will be buying your book as a resource to give out and use in my life.

    • Barb Raveling says

      January 14, 2015 at 4:04 pm

      That’s a great story, Betty. I’m guessing she felt very loved by the time you guys all hugged her and prayed for her. I definitely understand as my impulse is always to solve the problem when I hear one – these questions are helping me do that less but I still have a ways to go. Thanks for sharing them with your Bible study groups – I appreciate it. My new book doesn’t have these questions in it – I’ve debated about putting them in, but I have so many questions already and these don’t seem to fit into any of the categories. I got a bit sidetracked over Christmas so the book probably won’t be out ’til sometime in February.

      • Betty Draper says

        January 21, 2015 at 3:21 pm

        Barb, I took your post and read it to my last night bible study. I also told the story about the women in my other bible study. All women were affected for the good by your post. In fact I am emailing it to everyone to re-read again at their request. Again, thanks.

        • Barb Raveling says

          January 21, 2015 at 8:03 pm

          That’s great, Betty. Thanks so much. I guess I’m not the only one who has problems with giving too much advice. :)

  6. Micah says

    February 20, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Some great, and sobering, pointers here. I tend to fall on the more reluctant end of the scale when it comes to giving advice but I can definitely find myself at the other end (as I did just a couple weeks back) saying stuff and thinking – why am I saying this? Am I doing this person any good? Is this even what they need to hear? I think it’s always a good thing whenever we’re challenged and reminded to reflect a little before speaking/sharing. 12 & 13 I think are especially useful – empathising with the other person, and seeking to discern God’s intent in things is always a good thing.

    • Barb Raveling says

      February 20, 2015 at 2:12 pm

      I wish I were on the more reluctant end, Micah. My life would be easier. :) And I agree about 12 and 13. I’m always better off when I stop to think about how God wants me to handle it. Another interesting question to ask is how Satan wants me to handle it. That usually wakes me up a little bit!

      • Micah says

        February 20, 2015 at 2:57 pm

        Ooh, now that is serious food for thought. I’ll hope to have that in mind when I next find myself in this kind of scenario. In fact, it’ll be a good question for me to consider in a number of scenarios. Thanks!

        • Barb Raveling says

          February 20, 2015 at 5:45 pm

          Thanks for stopping by, Micah.

  7. vern says

    October 3, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    Barb,
    Here is link that helped me understand that helped me understand why some people are not receptive to truth, advice, etc. Many times it is not the messenger, or the message it is the person receiving the message. Sometimes nothing you do will make the message more appealing or more easily to be entreated. http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/287679-people-lead-may-not-want-learn-grow-ron-edmondson.html/2
    vern

    • Barb Raveling says

      October 5, 2016 at 5:06 pm

      Wow, I love that article, Vern. Thanks so much for posting it. It’s a great one to add to the discussion!

      • vern says

        October 5, 2016 at 6:45 pm

        I found another thought about when and how to give unsolicited advice
        on focus on the family. It is from a mother’s perspective, she is also strong willed. Hope this also good. The author. CynthiasTobias You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded)
        I bought her kindle book. check it out.
        There are the transcripts for both interviews. Here are audio interviews .
        http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/parenting-the-strong-willed-child-as-a-team-pt1
        http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/practical-advice-for-parenting-strong-willed-children-pt2
        also a link to her site:
        http://cynthiatobias.com/

        • Barb Raveling says

          October 5, 2016 at 8:54 pm

          Thanks, Vern. It looks like she has a lot of good insights. I like her suggestion of asking questions to adult kids rather than giving unasked for advice. I think I read her book about learning styles when we were homeschooling our kids and I remember it being good.

    • Barb Raveling says

      October 5, 2016 at 5:07 pm

      Plus I like your little button that says, “Be humble. You could be wrong.” Funnily, that also ties into the discussion. :)

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