Do you ever get the urge to break your boundaries – but feel too guilty to come right out and do it?
What we usually do in that situation, is try to find some way to justify our actions. Something to make us feel less guilty about giving in. See if any of these thoughts sound familiar:
- I’m just going to have a quick little . . .
- Well, I said I couldn’t do that, but I never said anything about . . .
- I’m not really breaking my boundaries, I’m just . . .
- But there’s a good reason to break my boundaries.
These thoughts makes it easier to break our boundaries because, after all, there’s a good reason to break them.
The key to overcoming justification boundary breaking is to remember why we have boundaries in the first place: to protect us from times like these.
But what if there really is a good reason to break them?
If you’re in a situation where you really do think it’s valid to break your boundaries (and it’s a non-sin habit), try to establish some situation-specific boundaries.
Here’s an example. Let’s say your eating boundaries are three meals a day and one snack. But you’re on vacation, and you feel like you should be able to eat a little extra.
Instead of giving yourself free reign to eat as much as you want, just add in one extra snack a day. Or even two. You’ll still feel like you get to indulge a bit but without the danger of wrecking all your previous discipline efforts.
Here are some questions and Bible verses I use when I find myself justifying the breaking of my boundaries. Why don’t you give them a try the next time you catch yourself saying, I’m not really breaking my boundaries . . .
Justification Questions
- What do you feel like doing?
- Will you break a boundary if you do that?
- Yes:If so:
- Which boundary will you break?
- How were you planning to justify it?
- Is your justification valid? Why or why not?
- No:If not:
- Are you breaking your boundaries in spirit even though you’re not technically breaking them? Explain.
- Will you be more likely to break your boundaries later if you do this now? Why or why not?
- Yes:If so:
- Do you think God wants you to have boundaries in this area of your life? Why or why not?
- Do boundaries make your life better or worse? Explain.
- Are boundaries easy to follow, or do you usually have to give up something to follow them?
- What will you have to give up to follow your boundaries this time?
- What will you gain if you make that sacrifice?
- When you think of what you’ll gain, is it worth the sacrifice?
Bible Verses
Psalm 120:2 Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, from a deceitful tongue.
Romans 13:14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.
1 Thessalonians 5:6 So then let us not sleep as others do, but let us be alert and sober.
1 Thessalonians 5:21 But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
James 1:16, 17 Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.
1 Peter 1:14-16 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior, because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”
1 Peter 5:8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
Justification really is creating a reality in which what you feel like doing and want to do is okay. You end up lying to yourself and eventually believing those lies, unable to see the truth. At least, this is what I’m seeing all too often these days. Using the questions you pose is a great prevention technique. What would you suggest for those in the throes of justifying to the point of almost total self-deception? My heart breaks for friends who are doing this right now.
I often use these questions or pray through the Bible verses when I’m in the throes of self-deception with a habit. They’re designed to be used right in the moment and they actually do change one’s beliefs and desires. Of course, God is the one changing them, but the questions and Bible verses are just a way to go to God.
I’ve actually written a whole set of these questions and am working on bringing them into a publishable format – I have an app in at Apple right now waiting for approval – and am also hoping to put them in book form.
It’s incredibly painful to watch friends or loved ones who are deceiving themselves but aren’t willing to look at their beliefs and see how they line up with Scripture.
You can bring it up, but they have to be willing to go to all the work of continually bringing their thoughts captive to the truth – a lot of people aren’t willing to do that. In those situations, our only avenue is love, grace, and lots of prayer.
As far as the almost total self-deception goes – that’s pretty common. When we’re in that state, we just have to look at the top layer and keep chipping away at it. The lies come off one by one.
Very cool to hear about your Apple app. Too bad I have an Android :-) While I am not sure I ever can be as systematic as you are, I do think I need to be more systematic than I am right now. Ever feel like you know what point you need to get to mentally yet there is a fog that is blocking you from even taking one step? That’s where I am right now. Going to pray through it though.
Love, grace and prayer… lots of that going on and still not enough. Hard to give up on someone or a relationship knowing that in the flesh it is totally lost for good. Still clinging to a miracle though.
Self-deception is pretty common, and chipping away is all we can do IF we are willing to pick up the chissel and if we even recognize that there is an ice-block of lies awaiting the hard work of chipping. Not a great analogy, but I think it makes the point. Maybe. Sorta.
Actually, I love the analogy. If you had a huge ice block, you’d know you could only work on a little bit of it at a time so you’d be less likely to get discouraged when your first chipping session only gives you a glassful of ice.
And yes, I know that fog. In the beginning, you feel like you’re just barely reaching a level of shaky peace when you renew your mind. It takes awhile to find your path through the fog, but once you find it – it doesn’t take that long anymore.
You’re right – the trick is to get started through the fog. In the classes I’ve taught, we’ve found it really helps to hold each other accountable – not to changing behavior – but to renewing our minds so we want to change behavior. Each person in the group decides how often they want to renew their minds and then we record it on a chart and share our charts each week.
The funny thing is that the renewing of the mind is about the only area in my life where I’m systematic! In the rest of my life I tend to be haphazard and spontaneous – although i would like to be more scheduled.
Just heard back on the app – need to make a few more changes to make it ipad friendly.
Lately, the idea of leaving yourself reminders has been coming up again and again. I leave myself notes, so I don’t forget to do things. I set things on my purse, so I remember to take them with me when I leave. I leave the laundry basket where I have to walk around or over it to remind me to keep laundry going. I leave myself so many reminders to accomplish things, but I need to get better and doing them in my spiritual walk. I have some good habits, but I definitely want to step it up too, and I think leaving myself reminders, which can be through accoutability partners, is how I will ultimately end up growing. Otherwise, we get into a routine or distracted by life, and we forget to renew and push ourselves to grow.
So – I kept trying to make reasons for breaking my boundaries today. Thanks for the verses.
Me too, CJ. I was thinking, too, I might make a chart that says, “Advantages of Having Boundaries and Disadvantages,” or something like that. I need to drill it into my head that having boundaries is really worth it – it’s hard to do that with habits that aren’t sins and also aren’t disapproved of by society.
This is a challenging post for a person (myself) who is trying to eat healthier while being a junk food and candy addict. I’ll have to memorize these Bible verse. Helpful post as always.
Thanks, Dan – I was just looking over those verses again. I do this type of thinking all the time with spending too much time on the internet. That’s a good idea to memorize them – I’ll at least try to start using them more with the internet (usually I use the questions, but the verses are often more effective – I think I just use the questions because I’m always writing them and want to see if they work and I don’t need to rewrite Bible verses!).
Barb, I love this post. It’s easy to revert to an “all or nothing” way of thinking. Remembering why the boundaries are there in the first place is a great way to stay within them. My struggle is with time management, so I’m anxious to apply these principles immediately. Thanks. BTW – I am really excited about your app. I can’t wait!
I also struggle with time management, Deb. Have you figured out a way to use boundaries with time management? I’ve tried it with a list – tried to renew my mind every time I didn’t feel like doing the next thing on the list – but that only worked for awhile. Now I’m doing a little index card system which I did back when the kids were little and it worked back then. It was from the Messy’s Manual book. So far I’m liking it.
For me, I have to think about what will happen if I don’t do something. This motivates me to do what I need to do. I don’t like doing things last minute or having to rush and not doing them as well as I could have because I waited too long, and thinking about that motivates me to do what I need to do. I also set deadlines for myself, but I take them a step further by committing to those deadlines by telling others. This almost always makes me stick to what I need to get done and not get too distracted. Not perfect, but it does allow me to stay within the boundaries of how I need to manage my time to do what I say I’m going to do when I say I’m going to do it.
That sounds like good advice, Kari. Thanks – those all sound like good ideas.
Accountability truly is important. Making God a habit is also important. Yet, there are dangers in habits too. I wrote about that in my post today titled “The Dangers of Routine and Habit in Our Prayer Lives.” Focusing on our motivation (peace of mind, absence of worry, etc.) truly does help keep us focused in the right areas. There is always an area to work on, and I’m so thankful that the Holy Spirit is a gentleman. I might quite and give up in discouragement if He weren’t. Getting familiar with victory comes with focusing on God and allowing Him to work in any and every area of life. Also, I sometimes have to focus on the small things; otherwise, I think nothing positive is happening.
I think part of it, too, is to find joy in your boundaries. If you try to stamp out over-eating out of sheer discipline, that’s a tough order. But by framing it in terms of choosing the joy of Christ instead of the joy of food, it makes the whole issue of crossing boundaries different.
I agree, Loren. I don’t even think it can be done long-term out of sheer discipline. Boundaries make our lives better in many ways, both practical and spiritual. When we come to really believe that, it will be easier to follow them.
This is an old post, but it makes me think of a genuine problem with my eating boundaries. Often I’m really hungry mid afternoon and have a snack around 3:30, after eating lunch between 11am and noon. The problem is: my husband usually makes supper. Usually it’s ready by 6pm. And I’m not hungry yet. I can’t ask him to wait since he is hungry. My choice is to break the boundary and eat a cold supper without my husband, or do I make an exception (fairly often) and eat with him, then go back to following my boundary?
Hi Peggy! I’m assuming your boundaries are hunger/satisfaction? I would probably try to have a smaller snack at 3:30 – small enough that I could be hungry by 6:00. If you experiment with different snacks you could see what works best. If that doesn’t work, you could just wait to eat at 6:00 and be hungry for 2 1/2 hours, or you could modify your boundaries to say that you can have a small supper with your husband even if you’re not hungry. The danger of that would be that you may be tempted to eat a huge snack at 3:30 since you know you can still eat supper with your hubby! But it might work if you were able to keep a small snack and small dinner mindset. :)