Ann Wilson: How to Speak Life to Your Husband

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Do you often find yourself giving “helpful suggestions” to your husband? Are you silently annoyed with him much of the time? Or have you made a habit of criticizing him either out loud or in your mind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’ll love this conversation with Ann Wilson, author of How to Speak Life to Your Husband (When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him). Ann brings so much wisdom, humility, and hope to this episode. Prepare to walk away encouraged and challenged in the best way.

How to Speak Life to Your Husband

Ann’s journey toward understanding the power of her words started with what she thought was going to be a normal speaking event alongside her husband, Dave. What she didn’t expect? Dave’s confession to the audience: “Sometimes husbands feel that the moment we walk through the door, our wives are booing us.”

Ouch.

Ann was stunned—and a little defensive. But instead of dismissing it, she asked God a hard question: Am I booing my husband? The answer was yes.

That moment sent her on a path of personal change. She began to see that what she thought was “helping” her husband actually came across as constant correction. As she put it, “God began showing me that I was praying for Dave to change, but God wanted to change me.”

And that’s when everything started to shift.

What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?

Ann started using the reflection question, What’s it like to be married to me? It’s a sobering thought—and a helpful one. She realized her thoughts and internal monologue about Dave had turned negative. “I’d get stuck in this spiral, thinking about all the ways he wasn’t seeing me or showing up.”

But instead of venting or stewing, she sensed God nudging her: What would happen if you prayed for him as much as you complained about him?

That one question was a game-changer.

She started to notice how even her everyday speech had a pattern: “You should do this” or “Have you tried that?”—instructive, not encouraging. She laughs about it now, but it was a wake-up call that her way of communicating wasn’t life-giving.

Small Words, Big Impact

One day, she paused before dinner and intentionally thanked Dave in front of their kids. His response? “I saw the book you were reading, and I know you said that because you read it in a book, but I don’t even care. It felt so good.”

That’s when she began to understand how deeply our husbands—like all of us—long to know: Am I doing okay? Does she believe in me?

Ann shared a fascinating study from the Arbinger Institute, which showed that we communicate more from our way of being than from our words or behavior. “So even if you’re saying the right thing,” she explained, “your husband can feel it if you don’t believe it.”

The Helper Who Stands Toe-to-Toe

Ann also dove into the Hebrew meaning behind Genesis 2:18, where God says He will make a “helper suitable” for man. The word “helper” in Hebrew is azer, the same word used to describe God as Israel’s rescuer in battle. And “suitable”? That comes from kenegdo, meaning “to stand toe-to-toe.”

“Being a helper isn’t weak,” Ann says. “It means standing side-by-side, back-to-back with your husband. Fierce, protective, and obedient to God’s calling—even when it’s hard.”

One theologian told her, “When a man stands toe-to-toe with his wife, he sees, in her eyes, the man he could become.” That line really stuck with both of us. What are our husbands seeing in our eyes?

From Criticism to Prayer

When it comes to knowing when and how to say something hard, Ann now starts with prayer: “God, should I bring it up? If yes, when and how? If not, should I say anything—and if so, what?”

She admits she still sometimes feels the urge to help, especially with her adult kids. “But now, I advise less and pray more.” She even fasts and prays regularly with a group of women—something she recommends for anyone wanting to grow spiritually and relationally.

And the fruit of those changes? One of Ann’s friends started a gratitude journal for her husband, writing out one thing each day she appreciated about him. On his birthday, she gave it to him. He read it and cried. Why? “Because I feel like I’m constantly failing,” he said, “and when I read her words, it motivated me to be the man she saw instead of the man I felt I was.”

That’s the power of speaking life.

If you’re longing to be a better wife and love your husband well—even when it’s hard—you can check out Ann’s book, How to Speak Life to Your Husband (When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him). You can find it on Amazon or wherever books are sold. And if you’d like to connect with Ann, you can find her and Dave at @daveannwilson on Instagram and Facebook.

Let’s keep asking God to help us see the greatness in the people we love—and to speak life every chance we get.

 Listen to the full episode on the Christian Habits Podcast!

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

• How to Speak Life to Your Husband (When All You Want to Do Is Yell At Him) by Ann Wilson
• Get counseling help at getfaithful.com/christianhabits

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About the Author

Ann Wilson has served with her husband for more than twenty-five years, cofounding Kensington Community Church, speaking at FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember®, and hosting their own marriage conferences across the country. They live in the Detroit area, and they have three grown sons, CJ, Austin, and Cody; three daughters-in-law; and seven grandchildren.