Do you ever find yourself constantly breaking your boundaries?
When that happens to me – and it always does when I’m trying to break a habit – I know I need some secondary boundaries.
Secondary boundaries are boundaries you put in place to make it easier to follow your primary boundaries. Here’s how you come up with them: Take a look at your failures.
Are there any common situations that make you fail? What are you usually doing right before you break your boundaries? Can you think of any boundaries that would help you prevent that situation next time?
Here are a few examples of secondary boundaries:
Dating Relationships
Let’s say you’re in a serious relationship and your primary boundary is I’ll only kiss before marriage, but kissing is so fun it always leads to other things. Here are some possible secondary boundaries:
- No time alone together after 9:00.
- No time alone unless it’s in a public setting.
- No kisses that last longer than 15 seconds (yes, I know this is a funny one but I think it would work).
Weight Control
Let’s say your primary eating boundaries are three meals and one snack but you have a tendency to break all your boundaries in the evening while watching television. Here are some possible secondary boundaries:
- No eating while watching television.
- Can only have fruit or vegetable based desserts.
- No potato chips unless it’s a social occasion.
Too Much Time on the Internet
Let’s say your primary boundaries are three times on the Internet each day, but you have a tendency to break your boundaries in the evening. Here are some possible secondary boundaries:
- Record the time you get on the Internet and the time you get off the Internet every time you get on it.
- No Internet after 7:00.
- Sign up for an Internet accountability site such as Covenant Eyes, so someone else can see how often you’re on the Internet.
- Make a plan for every evening of how you’re going to spend your time.
Renew Your Mind
The sad thing about boundaries is that we’re prone to breaking them. When that happens, don’t beat yourself up. God is loving and compassionate. If you’ve sinned, confess your sin, and then put all your energy into renewing your mind.
If you renew your mind this time, you’ll be less likely to break your boundaries next time.
Question for your journal: Do you need some secondary boundaries?
I realized I had too many boundaries at once and it got to be overwhelming. For example: 3 meals a day & 2 snacks, but snack must be protein, fruit can only be consumed in morning, etc… and it got to be too many “rules” — so, I’m starting again, but with more broad boundaries, and I’ll work on specifics when I get the broader boundaries under control… such as: 3 meals, 2 snacks…. no other stipulations or it gets too complicated. I do understand the need for secondary boundaries though – such as no eating in the car because that’s where my secret eating starts.
That’s a good point, CJ. Too many boundaries can mess you up too. At least for me with eating, the best thing was to focus on the three meals and 1 snack (I did 2 for awhile and then switched to one) without ever taking a bite outside of those boundaries. It was simple and it helped me get it into my head that I only eat four times a day. Although at the beginning I also gave up sweets because it was easier to follow my three meals and one snack boundary without sweets than with sweets because I was so addicted to them. That was the only secondary boundary I had. I think the key is to only add secondary boundaries if they help you keep your primary boundaries.
I needed to lose weight because my doctor said I was pre-diabetic. So I did well the first week. And the second week period but then I started making it more complicated. And that’s a habit I have I make things too complicated that I have to break.
My problem I found out that I was concentrating too much on what food to eat. I had a menu and I was racking my brain trying to figure out what are two graves or whatever. But then I realized relax use that as a guideline as long as you stay within your dietary boundaries you don’t have to worry. So starting today I am relaxing my menu and just using it as a guideline. I’m not stressing myself out anymore about it.
Yay! That sounds good! Learning and tweaking boundaries is part of the process. So glad you’re not stressing about it anymore!
In recent weeks I’d fallen into some new (and not-so-good) habits of staying up too late on the computer. I told a bunch of friends this week that they can ask me if I have turned off my computer by 9:30 p.m. and that’s helped a lot! Communicty helps too :)!!
That’s so true, Amy. Accountability really helps. For me it also helps to leave my laptop upstairs where I can’t see it!
This is such a great point. I know there are several good things that I’ve had to do away with so that I could set up a boundary. For others, it may be totally different things. I was just talking with a friend the other night about styles of music that he chose not to listen to because they reminded him of past times.
I think the biggest issue is that we want to be strong. We want to be strong enough to surround ourselves with whatever and still have no effect from our environment. Setting up secondary boundaries is humbling because we have to admit our weaknesses. At least I’ve found that to be true in my case.
I never though of it that way, but you’re right. It’s often good things that we’re giving up – but it’s always worth it to get the better thing. And often that better thing is freedom from our compulsions.
Having “secondary” boundaries is so important. It can allow a person to have a balanced life and better focus on the important areas of life. I have had to set some boundaries so I don’t allow myself to spend a lot of time watching TV and being on line. Great points.
I have the same problem with being online – it’s such a temptation since I’m always on the computer writing and it’s a nice easy procrastination technique. I’ve started timing myself and recording the times – even if I’m doing things I need to do like answering e-mails. It’s a reality check for how much time I spend on it.
Not having boundaries will on the internet can cause a person(myself) to waist hours.Good idea about keeping track of your time online.
This is a great point/idea. I am trying to find boundaries that I can stick to, but am overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to change. But by having a few secondary boundaries, it will allow me to have fewer primary boundaries-thus lowering the overwhelming-ness of it all.
I know it can be overwhelming, Tami – especially if you feel like you have to change everything at once. And that’s often how we feel with weight loss! I’m glad you’re going to try to keep your boundaries at a minimum. That will make it easier to renew your mind when you break them I think. Praying God will help you on this journey!