Note: This is the 5th post in a series on idolatry.
For some reason, it surprised me when a couple of people told me how hard it was to end their affairs.
They weren’t thinking, I’m so relieved and happy to be back with my spouse. Instead, they were thinking, I miss my best friend.
Because of their feelings, they had to set strict boundaries for both their behavior and their thoughts. Boundaries that would help them fall out of love with that other person and into love with their spouse.
Giving Up an Idol
Giving up an idol is a lot like ending an affair. TC Avey described it this way in her comment:
“In a sense, you are grieving the loss of the idol even as you embrace a closer relationship with Christ … letting go of an idol is (like) letting go of a part of ourselves … That can be sad, but as with real grief, once we move past the pain, we can begin to heal/grow.”
If you want to give up your idol, you’ll need to set boundaries on both your behavior and your thoughts—boundaries that will help you turn away from our idol and toward God.
Any boundary we set should involve the renewing of the mind because that’s where we’ll learn how futile it is to rely on our idols. As we discuss the situation with Him, we’ll be learning to rely on Him, instead.
Here are a few examples of boundaries you could set for different idols.
Idol |
Boundary |
A Person | Renew your mind whenever you start feeling needy, clingy, demanding, worried, etc. |
Television/Facebook/Sweets, Twitter/Email/Reading, etc. | See How to Set Boundaries and Secondary Boundaries. Renew your mind whenever you break your boundaries. |
The easy life | Make a list six days a week. Renew your mind whenever you don’t feel like following it. |
Accomplishment | Set work boundaries. For example: Can only work (and think about work) between 7 a.m. and 5 p.m. Renew your mind when you feel like working outside of work hours. |
Comfort | Do something that makes you uncomfortable every day, or make a goal that’s uncomfortable. Renew your mind before you work on it each day or whenever you don’t feel like working on it. |
Doing “great things for God” or becoming a perfect Christian. | Renew your mind whenever you feel hopeless because you’re not doing enough or pride because you are. |
In a sense, boundaries are a wake up call. They remind us, Hey, you’re about to turn to your idol, again. Why don’t you turn to God for help, instead?
Boundaries are also a declaration of love. They’re a practical way of saying, I love you with all my heart, soul, and mind, God. I’m willing to give up everything for you—even my idol.
Finally, boundaries are a commitment. I am now going to work on getting this idol out of my life God. Will you help me?
Question for your journal: How does your idol keep you from loving God and others well? Are you willing to give up your idol? What boundaries could you could set to help you fall out of love with your idol so you could love God and others at a deeper level? (If you’re not sure what your idols are, click here.)
Discussion Question: What is your experience with setting boundaries? What are some of your boundaries?
Image at top of this blog post is courtesy of anankkml at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
floyd says
Great post. It hit me as I was reading that it really is us being selfish, self centered. The very things that are always the roots of all of our problems. The disciplines are really a sign of love; the “assent of our will.” Free will is an underrated miracle… One if fully understood could do more to change the world.
Barb Raveling says
The disciplines are a sign of love. I like that. The disciplines help me keep a clean relationship with God – it’s like that talk that clears the air with your spouse or your friend so you can go back to being peaceful again – if that makes sense.
floyd says
Yep. Perfect sense.
Kathy Collard Miller says
Glad you’re helping us with this. For me, it’s important to ask myself questions like, “What is this idol saying about who God really is? That He can’t provide? That He doesn’t love me well? That He withholds something good?” Because idols are an attempt to take care of ourselves rather than depending upon whatever God chooses for us. So I try not to only set a boundary or withhold something, but look to the underlying causes for my idol. I’m distrusting God and saying He’s …. whatever lie I’m believing. Thank you again! Great stuff!
Barb Raveling says
Thanks for that insight, Kathy. I like the way you describe it – an attempt to take care of ourselves rather than depending upon whatever God chooses for us. In a sense, I think they’re an attempt to control our world. But we’re much better off when God – the King of the Universe – controls it. :)
Kathy Collard Miller says
LOVE LOVE LOVE your wording, Barb. Thanks for that insight.
Kari Scare says
One of my boundaries is not having junk food in the house. If it’s not there, I won’t eat it and neither will my husband and sons. I also think about what I will feel like if I eat junk, and that often keeps me from eating it. Really, that approach applies to every area of life. Try not to place temptation in your own path, and consider the consequences of your actions. Another area of experience with boundaries came when we adopted our youngest son 4 years ago. He had never been taught boundaries and was pretty much allowed to do whatever he wanted. He has been learning what boundaries mean and why they are important. In that process, God has taught me more about the boundaries He has for me and why He has them. Cloud & Townsend have several good books on boundaries that I’m sure you’ve heard of, and reading one years ago got my mind thinking more about the importance of boundaries. Since then, God has been teaching more about them through thinks like junk food and parenting.
Barb Raveling says
That’s a really interesting way to look at it, Kari – my current “junk food” is wasting time on the Internet. Even though it’s not much, it interrupts me and keeps me from loving God and others well because it distracts me. Kind of like junk food can distract you from eating food that is good for you. The question is, Ho do I keep it “out of the house”? Possibly with being more intentional, but also maybe with just unplugging the Internet modem or using a program like Anti-social.
I’ve read the Townsend books – they’re good. I’m glad you’re being intentional about boundaries with parenting. It just occurred to me, when we first set boundaries on kids that aren’t used to them, it’s a struggle. But after they get used to them, life is much better and peaceful. It’s like that with idolatry and bad habits too – we just have to work through to that peaceful – of course I’m going to follow my boundaries – stage.
Bernard Haynes says
You have to set boundaries. If you don’t, you can easily fall to temptation. I set boundaries before my and I got married to stay away from compromising situations. I made sure as a minister if a woman wants counsel, I will not do it unless my wife is present. When I was manager I opened my office windows or had a manager sit in with me when I had to discuss matters with a female employee. These are some of the boundaries I set to keep our marriage affair proof. I have boundaries in other area of life that keeps me from easily fallen into temptation. I have some other areas I need to add stricter boundaries. Thanks for the post.
Barb Raveling says
That’s such a great boundary for you to have as a pastor. It really shows a love for your wife and for the church and a humility in that anyone can be tempted. The truth is, we fall into behaviors without even thinking about it, but boundaries prevent us from falling into them – or help us get out once we’re already stuck.
Dan Black says
Setting boundaries with the opposite sex (whether married or not) is so essential. I’ve placed the same type of boundary for myself. I never go out or am alone with a person of the opposite sex, unless my wife is their or it’s a group of people.
BlessingCounter - Deb Wolf says
Barb, As always a very insightful post. I have to set thought boundaries all the time to keep myself from dwelling on sad memories. I used to give myself a set amount of time to grieve each day, now years later when sad thoughts creep in, I give them to the Lord and claim His promises. It helps so much! I really like how you helped us think about a variety of potential idols. Thanks for this!
Barb Raveling says
That’s an interesting idea – to set a certain amount of time to grieve each day when something terrible happens. Did that work well? It seems like it could be a healthy boundary in the initial stages of grief. I like the way you set thought boundaries now to keep yourself from dwelling on sad memories. I often start thanking God for things when I’m tempted to worry about my kids – in a way it’s a thought boundary, and it makes a huge difference. When I focus on who God is, I stop worrying!
BlessingCounter - Deb Wolf says
Nothing helped to much at first, it was a terrible betrayal and loss. But as time and the Lord’s healing worked in my life it helped tons. It gave me a time to accept real emotions, but kept me from allowing them to dominate my life. Sometimes when we have a major loss we feel guilty if we allow ourselves to enjoy any happiness. That’s not God’s desire for us. So, setting a time limit gave me the freedom to look for and enjoy the good moments in my life guilt free.
When we’re tempted to worry about the kids we set five minutes there as well. Then we move on to things for which we’re thankful. Works every time. :-)
Barb Raveling says
Thanks for describing what it’s like, Deb. I’ve never had a huge loss like that so I’m not sure what it’s like. What you say makes sense, though. I’ll have to remember that. Thanks!
That’s funny about the worry for five minutes. I have such a vivid imagination, I’d probably think up enough things to worry about in five minutes that I could worry for a year non-stop! I’ll have to try it sometime. :)
TCAvey says
Honored to have you mention me- thanks!
since I’m a perfectionist who likes to control everything, I find I struggle to let go of things I truly have no control over. I begin to worry and lose rest because I feel I should be doing more.
I’m currently having to remind myself that worrying means I’m not trusting God. I can’t heal my loved ones cancer, but I know the ONE who can and I have to trust Him.
There’s not magic number of prayers to pray or a special wording in our prayers that makes Him comply with our requests. I have to remind myself that His faithfulness isn’t based on my prayer performance but on His goodness and love.
Thanks for this timely post- great reminders.
God bless.
Barb Raveling says
I sometimes wonder if worry isn’t a way to control life too. I used to feel like I couldn’t relax when I was in a bumpy plane – that I had to keep my mind focused on the plane so I could keep it up in the air. I didn’t technically believe that – but it felt a little dangerous to take my mind off it.
I always forget that perfectionism is a way of trying to control life – thanks for that reminder, TC. Just because we do perfect things doesn’t guarantee we’ll get the results we want.
It seems like one of the things we have to do in getting over worry and perfectionism is to accept the unacceptable – that we might not get what we want. That our worry might take place.
That’s hard – but it’s an incredibly freeing thing to accept it. In a way it’s a way of saying, “No matter what happens, God, You’re enough.”
TCAvey says
So true, Barb. God is enough and it’s wonderful to fully trust in that, but it’s harder to actually put it in practice.
Loving the series!
Ngina Otiende says
So many great points in your post Barb! I love the comment by TC and your thoughts on ‘turning away’ and then ‘turning towards’. So often we get the first one and completely miss the second step! So we keep struggling.
I felt the ‘ouch’ on accomplishment because I am not as vigilant as I ought to or have been in the past, also on social media. It’s something am working back towards.
Barb Raveling says
I’m am also struggling with accomplishment these days, Ngina – an unusual thing for me to struggle with since I used to be such a laid-back do whatever sort of person. I guess it’s the hazards of pursuing goals and working at things – a new set of temptations!
Elizabeth Archer says
I love that you hit on 4 really big idols many people (including me!) generally ignore- 1. “the easy life” (Many people encourage me that if we follow God things will be easy!) 2.”Accomplishment” (many people are encouraged by accomplishing as much as they can- thinking they accomplish for God) 3. “Comfort” (I hear people say God wants us happy- God wants us to be comfortable!) and 4. last of all I’m always fighting the “being a perfect Christian idol”- so many people think I’m doing so much, you’d think my problem would be pride- but you hit the nail on the head- I often feel hopeless thinking I’m not doing enough- especially if others judge me harshly and I try to “please them” (another idol.)
Of course the reasoning I hear from a lot of people is not Truth from the Word. So I can easily refute those things with Truth. If I don’t, these idols seem to slowly seep into my thinking. I catch myself slipping. Having the Boundary of renewing my mind on a regular basis throughout my day is a must!
I love this post- I’ve been thinking on it every day and finding more and more to work on each time that I read it! I always print these off and keep them in my bible to review. Thanks Barb! (((HUGS)))
Barb Raveling says
I’m so glad the post was helpful, Elizabeth. I love writing blog posts about things I haven’t worked through yet because it’s such a growth experience. I think, “Now what was that God taught me when I was writing that post? Oh, that’s right, I’m supposed to do whatever.” The idols I’ve been struggling with lately are accomplishment and living up to expectations. Writing a blog is a great occupation to work through those trials. :) That’s so great that you’re taking the time to refute the lies with truth and renew your mind, Elizabeth. Thanks for letting me know – it’s encouraging!
Dan Black says
Having boundaries in our life is so important. It allows us to stay grounded to our core values and beliefs. I have to constantly set boundaries between myself and getting distracted with TV or the “easy life.” I have to push myself to do the things I should or need to do. Great post and thoughts!
Barb Raveling says
Looks like you’ve been doing a good job pushing yourself, Dan – you seem to get a lot done!
Dan Black says
Thanks you Barb, I do but not as much as I would like or have the potential to do.
Melanie Wilson says
Great stuff, Barb. I love the practical help and options you are providing people here. I have found accountability to be very powerful for me.
Barb Raveling says
Accountability has been helpful for me, as well, Melanie. Thanks for mentioning it.
Loren Pinilis says
I have had to learn to set hard boundaries. I seem to be an expert at rationalizing why I need to stretch my boundaries a little, and then I get back into my messed up cycles.
Barb Raveling says
You and me both.
Christina Smith says
I have boundaries set with food: eat when hungry, stop when satisfied, no distractions while eating, sit while eating, no seconds. I am now setting boundaries with Facebook: one weekdays check only 3x a day and not on the weekends. Another idol has been “skinny”, so I am setting boundaries not to open links, posts, threads, emails, etc. that feed that idol. And to be thankful for my body as is.
Barb Raveling says
I LOVE those boundaries, Christina! I know you’re probably already fairly used to the eating boundaries, but I think the Facebook boundaries will be really helpful for the skinny idol.
JenniFer says
I have been blessed with a career in which I have had a great income and in the past I never hesitated to buy art or fine things. I now see that most of the objects in my home were idols to fill what can only be filled with God. Do I get rid of these things I have had for years now that I can admit what I was doing by filling my life with them instead of Him?
Barb Raveling says
That’s a good question, Jennifer. I don’t know what the answer is. If it were me some things I might think about are how much time it takes to take care of them, how much I worry about making sure they stay nice, and if they enslave me in any way. I do have some decision questions on my blog that might be helpful – not sure if they would work for this situation but they’d be worth a look. Here’s the link for that: https://barbraveling.com/2012/10/15/decision-making-and-the-will-of-god/. I could see the possible answer being “no need to get rid of them” but I would think it’s something you’ll just have to work through with God. But I think it’s neat that you’re asking the question!
Diana says
I’m a diabetic & eating sweets has always been my downfall. God said, “Refrain from sin and live “. I have been struggling with -Refrain -but since I have read your article, now I can move forward. Thank you, & also to those who commented. !
Barb Raveling says
Hi Diana, I love sweets too! That would be a hard thing if you’re a diabetic. :( Also wanted to let you know I also have a weight loss Bible study that helps with boundaries – it would help with limiting sweets. It’s up at the top of my log – just click on the lose weight tab and then the weight loss resources tab. The study is called Taste for Truth and you can use it to break any habit – so even if you don’t want to lose weight but just control sweets it would work. It goes with the book I Deserve a Donut (And Other Lies That Make You Eat).
Karen says
Thankyou,
I guess its good to have an understsnding of where things went wrong .I got the insight from reading
you blog .About idols .
It is good to have a better understanding of how they can be there in the first place .
Yes the boundries is the answer
not to let them be rebuilt .
I would like more information on this subject ….
Thankyou .
Karen
Barb Raveling says
Hi Karen! You can find more info on idols by clicking on the links at the bottom of this post: https://barbraveling.com/2013/05/26/how-to-break-free-from-idolatry/ – or by looking under the “Break a Habit” tab at the top of this blog!