In an article on people pleasing (no longer available on the Internet), Eric Hamm lists 10 signs that you’re a people pleaser. Here are just a few of them:
- Someone who says yes, even when their mind says no.
- Someone who is devastated when they think someone doesn’t like them.
- Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
- Someone who loses sleep over the slightest altercation with another.
- Someone who feels out of control when they think another human being may disagree with what they’re doing.
If you’re a people pleaser like me I’m sure you can relate to Eric’s descriptions. That’s why I’ve rounded up some advice – to help us learn how to break free from our bad habit. Here it is:
Advice for People Pleasers
1. Don’t let everyone else plan your life for you.
One of the hazards of being a compliant, people-pleasing middle child is that I always did what everyone expected me to do. Fast forward to adulthood, and I still do what’s expected of me.
This hurts my ministry. Why? Because no one is expecting me to write another Bible study or submit a magazine article or turn my questions into a book.
And so I just sit here waiting for a publisher to call me and say, Hey, I heard you write about the renewing of the mind. Would you like to write a book for us?
Seriously.
And no, they’re not calling. If I want to fulfill God’s calling on my life, I’m going to have to start planning my own life with His help.
2. Realize that the word NO is an option.
This is brilliant. It honestly never even entered my mind in the old days that “no” was a possible response when someone asked me to do something. I always said yes. My people pleasing was so bad that we left one church primarily because I was a piano player and didn’t want to keep playing the piano. And it was easier to leave than say no.
3. Never say yes right away.
Instead say, “Let me think about it,” and then get back to them after you’ve had at least one night to sleep off the “I can’t wait to make this person happy” hysteria from your eyes.
4. Realize that you can’t be everything to everybody.
This was a shocking bit of news. What? I can’t make everyone happy? But of course it’s true. Not only can I not make everyone happy, God doesn’t even want me to make everyone happy! He just wants me to do His will – and His will sometimes makes people unhappy, including me.
5. Ask God where He wants you to spend your time.
Every time we say yes to one person or project, we say no to another. Often we say yes to the critical, demanding people in our lives and no to the non-demanding people. Or we say yes to the easy projects and no to the hard ones.
God doesn’t want us to base our decisions on what’s easy or comfortable. He wants us to base our decisions on His will – and sometimes His will takes us down paths that are anything but easy or comfortable.
The Bottom Line
The bottom line is that we can’t please everyone. Someone somewhere will always think we’re doing the wrong thing. That’s a fact of life. The sooner we accept it the better.
Our best hope for peace and happiness is to please God, not man. And you know what the wonderful thing about God is? He’s a God of mercy and grace. He sees our hearts. So even when we mess up, He’s there, ready to forgive.
Isn’t He the best one to please?
Question: Are you a people pleaser? If so, how does it affect your life and ministry?
P.S. I wrote this blog post a year ago and never posted it because of one of my other little problems (perfectionism). I’m happy to see that I’ve been making progress. I even published I Deserve a Donut (And Other Lies That Make You Eat) without a publisher calling and telling me to do it!
I hear an old Orson Welles wine commercial being paraphrased here :)
Absolutely good stuff here – guilty as charged, though I’ve been working hard on recovery for a long time now, and have made good progress. Already passed the link on to others :)
Thanks for posting, Barb!
That’s interesting about the honesty, Rick, I never thought of it that way. I find that the person I probably betray more than anyone else is God because I’m not looking to Him to see what I should do, but to others.
It’s 5 a.m. here- printing this and off to study it! Thanks Barb! (((HUG)))
Elizabeth, have you tried the feeling condemned and rejected questions in I Deserve a Donut? Those help me in situations like that. I also use the greed/lust questions – what I might want in your situation would be people to recognize I’m doing a great job or maybe just to like me – or maybe to be fairly treated or not misunderstood.
A situation like that would be really difficult for me, but I’ve found that they’re not difficult for everyone. Some people don’t care as much if people like them. It always surprises me. I think it’s something we can overcome but it’s not easy. I’m thinking the secret is to develop a mindset of caring more about what God thinks than others, and living to please Him – and loving people know matter what. If we can learn not to care what others think, situations like that won’t bother us. Of course, easier said than done!
perfect! Sometimes it’s right in front of your nose! LOL!
:)
I tend to go to the other extreme. Not sure how that fits here, but there’s my confession. I have several friends who are definite people pleasers. With one of those friends, we balance each other out at times. Several of my friends don’t realize how much of an issue it is for them. But it occurs to me that perhaps I see it as such a big issue because I am at the other end of the spectrum. I need balanced as much as they do.
I think it’s definitely a big issue because it paralyzes us and sometimes keeps us from doing what God wants us to do. But I’m guessing it’s not always easy to recognize it. And even then, hard to get over it once you do recognize it. We all need balance, no matter what end of the spectrum we’re at – actually, I’m not sure what the other end of the spectrum is. Is that not caring at all what people think? I would think that would be a good think as long as you’re still loving and still motivated by love rather than self-interest.
It’s funny how sometimes the Lord allows us to reach the point where we have no other choice than to say “no.” I hate learning the hard way, don’t you?
Yes! I want the easy, fun way!
I am realizing the impact that simple awareness can have on people, and that applies to oh so many areas of life. Balance requires that we first become aware of imbalance. Otherwise, balance feels imbalanced.
As for “the other end of the spectrum,” I actually talked to my accountability partner about this today. I tend to do my own thing and not realize how that might impact others. I tend to not do something just because others are doing it and want me to do it. We also talked about how, perhaps, the balance might be preferring others rather than focusing on pleasing them. Not sure, and I’ll have to think/pray on this some more first. So, it’s not that I don’t care what others think, thought I think that’s part of it. It’s almost choosing to do something because it’s not what others are doing, if that makes sense. Definitely going to have to spend some time with this one.
Wow, that is so interesting, Kari that balance can feel imbalanced. I think you’re right though. That’s true in so many areas. Interesting!
What you said about the opposite of people pleasing makes complete sense and I’ve known others who do the same thing. If you figure it out, I’d love to know what you come up with. I can see the motivation behind people pleasing but it’s harder for me to understand the motivation behind the other response since I haven’t experienced it before.
The interesting thing is that people pleasers are often seen as preferring others because we’re doing what they want – but if we’re doing it for selfish reasons, it’s not really preferring others. And often it would be better for the other person if we didn’t do what they wanted us to do.
This conversation is getting really quite interesting, Barb. Thanks for sticking with it. Yes, I think imbalance can feel balanced when you’re unaware of the imbalance. Awareness is key.
My motivation lies with protecting myself. I hate being manipulated, so refusing to seek to please others protects me from that. But it also stifles relationships.
Preferring others, I think, means overlooking faults at times. But I don’t think it means doing whatever is needed to make someone happy. As you know, happiness cannot be dependent on anyone but Jesus. I think people pleasers get taken advantage of because they’re so willing to do things for people. At least, that has been my experience.
VERY interesting conversation, my friend.
Interesting to me as well, Kari. I agree that people pleasers get taken advantage of. Sometimes we even agree to things that people aren’t even expecting of us – we just think they’re expecting it. Hmm – I think I might be doing that in the area of writing! I’m sure I probably am and that’s helpful to realize it – thanks, Kari.
As to the manipulation – it never crosses my mind that people are trying to manipulate me even though they might be. If it were to cross my mind, I would think that it’s my decision if I do something, and if it’s my decision, then they’re not manipulating me – my own guilt (real or false) is manipulating me.
Interesting that both responses are made out of self protection. i actually have some people pleasing questions in I Deserve a Donut – 2 sets of them – but no manipulation questions! I would be interested to see what a set of questions like that would look like.
I agree that preferring others doesn’t mean doing what will make them happy. I think it would mean doing what’s best for them with an eternal perspective of what’s best and a motive of love.
Two thoughts to add here, Barb. Been thinking about this. First, unfortunately, manipulation does take place. I think it’s easier to ask someone who is likely to say “yes” to a request even if they are already too busy and not the best person for the job. I think it’s a mistake to do so for a lot of reasons but largely because it steals the blessing from someone else to do whatever it is. Second, I read Romans 15:1-6 in my morning scripture reading today, and it really relates to this discussion. Would love to hear your thoughts on this scripture related to people-pleasing.
I love Romans 15:1-6 – it’s perfect. I have those verses in the anger questions of I Deserve a Donut, but didn’t even think about them for insecurity. It speaks to both issues. If we please our neighbor for his good – to build him up – then we’re not pleasing him so he’ll like us (people pleasing) and not automatically saying no because he’s expecting us to say yes either. We do whatever’s best.
And I suppose that would include whatever’s best whether we think they’re manipulating us or not. It’s just as hard to say yes to something God wants us to do when we know the other person’s manipulating us as it is to say no when we know the other person will be mad and we want them to like us.
Sometimes we have to say no to good things so we can say yes to other good things – things maybe that others can’t do that we can.
Funny thing, after all this discussion, I just thought of a time when I was manipulated – didn’t realize it til now. :)
Plus, there’s the point in that scripture about Jesus pleasing others, yet we know He wasn’t manipulated, and we know He always did what was best for others. But He still spoke His mind, and He still went about His purpose. He provides the perfect example of how to please others in love.
Yes, that’s a good example. The best example!
Great post…and I love your comments, Barb. Thanks for all you do.
Thanks, Heidi – and you too! It’s interesting timing for me in finding this post again when I was looking for something to post today. I’m thinking God wants to revisit this subject again in my life.
Sound advice. I have a touch of some of these issues, but not to an extreme. But I think it’s sound advice for anyone. It’s wisdom, and wisdom can be applied to any part of a life. Good for you for seeking God in these matters, now that’s encouraging!
Thanks, Floyd. Like your words of wisdom on wisdom!
Amen! Guilty on all counts. It’s hard as a “Good Girl Preacher’s Wife” not to be a people pleaser. I love you great points. Each year I’m getting better. I can’t tell you how thankful I am. It’s still hard to say “no,” but I’m getting better at doing it anyway. Love your third point. “Never Say Yes Right Away!” I’m going to have that tatooed on my wrist. ;-)
That’s so funny, Deb. I need to make a tattoo that says, “Don’t tell anyone you’re going to publish something until it’s all ready to go.” I’m having a terrible time with my weight loss Bible study today, worrying that I won’t finish it on time and how bad that will be since I already said I would publish it by the end of the year. I’m hoping God isn’t wanting me to go through another crash course in people pleasing by not getting it done. But on the bright side, I am getting better at saying no!
Barb, how did you know to write this post specifically to me?! But honestly, I am a huge people pleaser and a perfectionist as well. I don’t particularly like when people don’t like me, so I say “yes” without much thought or prayer because I want them to like me. Then I find myself stuck and unable to get out of something that makes me stressful or unhappy all because I don’t want the person I said yes to think differently of me.
haha, well, I must have know to write this post specifically to you because we’re practically the same person. I have had the exact same experiences with saying yes and then regretting it later. And even though people pleasing and perfectionism have been a problem since I was young, I didn’t realize what a stronghold it was until I started blogging. I can feel God working on it. Not fun!
this is such a funny post Barb and so on point, (you been reading all our mail? :) ) I am glad you’ve published it!
one thing about being a last born child (of 9!) is that you can learn to be ‘enterprising’ (ok the real word is manipulative..ouch) – pleasing others becomes one of the ways you get things done/have your way. it doesn’t work like that in ministry of course and it takes a while to understand that you can’t “please people to change”. :) People change and do the things they need to because they want to, cos God has touched them
thanks, great food for thought!
I love your last line, Ngina- that people do the things they need to do and change because they want to. So true. And helpful to remember so we don’t get discouraged. All we can do in ministry is what God asks us to do. The rest is up to Him and whomever we’re ministering to.
Awesome post! I had to laugh about you leaving a church because you didn’t want to play piano any longer. Just recently I had a similar situation and I wanted to move instead of face the problem…but my hubby told me we couldn’t move so I had to face the issue- and I’m still facing it, yuck. Why can’t some things just go away?
All learning experiences.
That’s probably why they can’t go away – because we haven’t learned the lesson yet. :)
True..if only…
Over the past 6 years or so, I have learned SO much about myself and how my people pleasing middle child self has GOT to get a grip. I have learned to say no. to not worry so much about what other people think, and to enjoy the boundaries HE has shown me. Boundaries are GOOD; burn-out is BAD :0).
Funny our perfectionism and people pleasing so often go hand in hand.
Keep focusing on what HE wants for you :).
I needed that, Donna. Thank you! I’ve made progress but I’m still in the “has got to get a grip category.” Thanks so much for your encouragement! :)
Great post. I have learned the last several years the gift of saying no and not to try to be everything to everybody because you will run yourself crazy. You said some great stuff in this post. As you know from reading my blog, I love the lists that give you some things to work towards or overcome.
I like the way you said that, Bernard – the gift of saying no and not trying go be everything to everybody. It really is a gift, isn’t it?
I’ve had to learn the importance of saying no to the good so I can say yes to the best. I use to have a difficult time or feel guilt when saying no to someone. This happened when I found my purpose, passions, and strengths. I committed to staying in those areas.
I really like point #3 letting the person know you will think about it allows us to fully think through it. Great thoughts!
I’m getting much better about saying no now. Still working on the guilt part at times. I feel like I need to say no though if I want the time to write. And I feel like God wants me to write – so have to make priorities.
It can be hard but it’s so important. Amen! Keeping saying no so you can write. Your blessing a lot of people with your gifts and talents:)
Thanks, Dan. So are you. :)
:)
I like your P.S. I think it made the post worth reading so I’m really glad you put it there. People pleasing and perfectionism is quite a couple! I’ve suffered and suffer from them at times too. The best thing I find that helps is to remember that I’m serving God first and people second!
I think that’s what helps me the most too, Caleb. If I focus on pleasing God, and knowing that ultimately He is the only One I need to please, I’m much more relaxed. And pleasing Him is a better position from which to love others anyway.
I think the first step, as corny as it sounds, to recovering from people pleasing is to realize that you’re a people pleaser. It feels rude enough to say no to people – you need to assure yourself that you’re resisting temptation in this area if you’re going to have a shot at it.
Yes, it’s really hard at first, but I’m finding that it’s getting somewhat easier. The main thing for me was to realize that it actually was an option. It was so ingrained in me before that I didn’t even think it was possible.